Gate Crashers
by Feather Black
Summary: What would you do if you woke up one morning to find various members of the Final Fantasy cast invading your bedroom? Warning: Contains insanity, sexual deviancy and other narcotics.
1. Chapter 1

_Greetings fair readers, a few things before we begin. _

_1) This is not a serious fic so a warning for insanity, oocness, blatant sexual innuendos, drinking, swearing (on my part, I think Final Fantasy characters are physically incapable of swearing lest Squaresoft feel the need to assisnate them in the dead of night) etc._

_2) I have read to check for spelling and grammar issues but suffer from unobservationalitus and therefore apologise for any mistakes left in these chapters._

_3) I own many things, a computer, some cereal, a driver's license, this delightful pile of pocket lint and my boyfriend's soul. Unfortunately, I do not own Final Fantasy, that right belongs to the fabulous Squaresoft and it should be kept that way. If I was in charge, there would be a lot more porn in the world._

_Right, with that out of the way, onwards!_

* * *

**Wake Me Up Before You Go Go**

It's Sunday, I can feel it in my bones. The sun is streaming through the little window in my room, falling over the bed sheets. My phone is, thankfully, turned off and carefully positioned at the other end of the house.

I don't have to get up until at least midday.

I roll over, squint through bleary, sleep encrusted eyes at the digital clock on the bedside table. 7am. Why the hell am I awake?

* * *

"Do you think she felt that?"

"How the hell am I supposed to know?"

"Maybe she's dead…or inflicted with a status ailment…do you think we should try to give her an antidote?"

* * *

I love my friends, they are wonderful people. They're smart, witty, useful when you need your computer fixed as I often do what with my ongoing war with the possessed CD drive. Most importantly though, they know when to leave me alone.

They certainly know that, on a Sunday morning at 7am, playing a prank on me is a deep and sacrilegious taboo that should never come to pass lest they find their balls suspended somewhere around their jugulars.

Open gritty eye to stare into vast blue pools, eyes so vivid that they can only be a figment of my half-sleeping imagination.

I can make out hair so blonde that it's almost gold.

"Mnf," I grunt, rolling over away from the exhaustion induced hallucination.

Hmm…not my friends being completely uncharacteristic then. Have clearly been working far too hard these last couple of weeks.

* * *

"I don't think you should do that."

"Why not? The antidote didn't work…"

I can feel something distinctly cold and wet soaking through the sanctuary of my duvet onto my foot. The hell is this?

"…so she must be inflicted with Sleep. All I have to do is give her a little slap-

I sit bolt upright, automatic karate stance in place and stare at the gathering in my room.

There is a blonde man standing above with one bronzed hand raised like he's about to strike. Blue eyes stare at me alarmingly. I can't look at them for too long, they're so blue that I feel like I'm drowning.

Turn to next figure, brunette this time leaning up against my bedroom wall looking thoroughly unimpressed.

Last figure is also standing above me. His hair is blonde but like ice if that makes sense…can ice be blonde? Well if it could, this is what it would look like. His eyes are like shards of ice too, like he's been stuck in the ice age for the last millennium.

"Ah," I say by the way of a reaction.

"AHAHAHAHAHA!" I continue, pointing ruthlessly at each of the figures in turn. This has to be some kind of joke. I must still be asleep otherwise why would Tidus, Squall and Cloud from Final Fantasy be standing casually in my room.

Tidus gives the others a concerned look as he lowers his hand. An 'I don't think she's got a full deck' look.

I try and say something to defend myself but I seem to be having an adverse reaction to the presence of these guys in my dream. I've got all the telltale signs of vomit and or a fainting spell. Almost like I'm in shock.

"I need a drink," I say decided, pointedly talking to myself.

* * *

The kitchen is bare, not only because it's far too early on a Sunday morning but because my house mates have buggered off for a month on a trip for their university courses. I head straight for the fridge, ignoring the fact that the hallucinogenic Final Fantasy characters are still trudging behind me.

"Uh…look, we just want to know where we are…maybe how we got here," Tidus is saying as I open the fridge and stare at its dark and barren contents.

There is no mojito.

Odd. There is normally mojito in my dreams.

* * *

Sit down on nearest chair and try to implement the fail safe. If the dream is getting too weird, close your eyes and wake up. This has actually worked a number of times for me though I always feel a bit crap afterwards. Close eyes and hope to god it is actually Sunday when I wake up.

Wait for a few moments and open my eyes again.

They're still there.

* * *

"Now what's she doing?"

"It appears that she's putting on a coat."

"I don't think she can hear us."

Try to stop shaking hands as they reach into my jacket pocket searching for my house keys. Of course, the keys aren't there, they never are. Start rummaging around kitchen, trying to ignore my thoughts as they start telling me that these are actually disillusioned cosplaying burglars that came into my house to steal my mediocre tech and maybe some food.

My plan is to lead them outside and then shut the door.

* * *

Keys located under the sofa cushions along with 5p and a hundred year old cookie. Stash cookie for later and head purposefully towards door. The rag tag threesome is still behind me, even as I cross the street. As soon as I am sure that I can beat them back to the house, I dart back, sprinting across the road and slamming the door after me.

My ears ring, my heart is pounding. I really should invest in the gym after this but-

My breath hitches.

Cloud is sitting on my stairs with his chin resting neatly on his hand. He's glaring at me. How the hell did he…

"Oh God, please don't rape and kill me," I beg him as he stands, advancing. "You can have whatever you want, I won't tell the police."

He stops and cocks his head to one side. It would be quite a charming motion if not for the fact that I am terrified beyond all rational comprehension right now.

"We are not criminals," he informs me. "We have no idea how we got here. We were hoping you could tell us as we seemed to have materialised in your room."

Blink.

Try to digest.

It's really not working.

"Th-that's what you want me to think!" I yell, pointing an accusing finger at him.

His eyebrow twitches and he sighs, rubbing his fingers over the bridge of a perfect nose. Burglary aside, he really is a magnificent cosplayer.

There's a knock on the door.

"Everything alright in there?"

Voice of Tidus. Oh Jesus Allah Buddah, they have me surrounded.

"I am not a criminal," Cloud repeats, staring at me again. Yeah, the hard and icy eyes don't really help there buddy. I whimper in response.

"I am an ex-Soldier and Materia user," Cloud informs me, reaching slowly down into a little pack strapped to his side.

Okay, so if he's not a criminal, he's delusional.

A wonderful realisation hits my mind as Cloud is rummaging through his pack. My house mate keeps a bat behind the front door in case of such awkward situations. I can see it out of the corner of my eye.

I have only a small window…but he's distracted now…

Abandoning reason, I make a grab for the bat just as Cloud pulls out a glowing orb, yes, actually glowing. I give him points, it does look like magic, somehow he's made the orb seem like it has an unstable structure, like it isn't just cheap plastic with a few electric lights inside.

But whatever, I hold up the bat defensively, hoping that it'll make him see sense and leave me alone.

Cloud raises one perfect ice blonde eyebrow at me and turns towards the kitchen, holding the orb out in front of him.

A blast of fire engulfs my kitchen and I can see it coming from the orb. I can see that it's not some sort of advanced mechanical object paid for by some millionaire Final Fantasy fanatic.

How in the name of Judas did he just do that?

My kitchen is on fire.

The bat plops on the ground as I pass out.

* * *

"You had to set the kitchen on fire?"

"She was going to hit me with a bat."

"And you couldn't have just defended yourself?"

"Not without hurting her."

Pause.

"She wanted proof of who I was."

"And how does blowing up half the house prove anything? It certainly doesn't prove that we're not criminals!"

"Is the Phoenix Down working?"

My eyes flutter but I can hear them talking above me and my body's reaction is to try and pull me under into blissful oblivion again.

I manage to mumble something.

"What was that?"

"I think it was 'get out of my house'."

"That or 'pet my poor mouse', do you think she has a neglected pet somewhere?"

Maybe if they think I'm dead, they'll go away. After all, it works for the possums.

* * *

_Confused yet? Befuddled by my main character's strange reaction to the wonderful cast of this story? Wondering about a mojito? If you haven't had one, get thee to a bar but not before leaving a review! _

_Love FB x_


	2. Chapter 2

_Please note that no fictional characters were harmed in the making of this chapter._

* * *

**Liquor Store Blues**

There are a few things that I pride myself on, the fact that I managed to get my first full time job at a respectable office this year, the fact that I have held a driver's license for about 3 years without a mark on my record for doing something completely irresponsible, my firm and immovable grip on rationality…

"They're not real, they're not real, I'm just having a small stress induced episode, they're not real…"

"This is getting quite ridiculous."

"How long has she been doing that for now?"

From where I am huddled in the corner of my trashed kitchen, I can just make out Squall tilting his head to look at the clock which, amazingly, survived the inferno.

"About 2 hours," Squall confirms.

Tidus raises his arms up in frustration.

"Great, I get blasted into a whole new world _again _and this time I end up with the local nut job."

"Hey!" I cut in, abandoning my monologue of sanity. "I never asked for you guys to start invading my Sunday."

All three Final Fantasy males raise perfect eyebrows. It's like they've all spent hours perfecting their own unique eyebrow raise in the mirror. Tidus looks completely disbelieving, Cloud looks completely disdainful and Squall looks like he'd like to stick his Gunblade where the sun don't shine.

That just about does it.

* * *

"Where are you gong?"

"To see a man about a mojito," I say, grabbing my coat.

It's a little after 11am.

* * *

The man behind the counter is used to me. I have this habit of forgetting basic human functions like the need to eat. He has the closest solution to this problem so I'm often seen ambling amongst the aisles at all hours picking up this or that. Of course, all hours does not include before midday on a Sunday.

He double takes as I walk through the door, the others in tow. Why they had to come with me, I'll never know. I admit I was half hoping that they would go away once the fresh air hit me but alas. It seems I am well and truly mad.

I wave to the man nervously and hurry off to the alcohol aisle, perusing the various liquors until I spot what I want.

The mojito bottle is shiny, the mojito bottle is friendly.

I reach up to grab it but I'm just a little too short.

"We should pick something up to eat," Tidus says, rummaging through his pockets to pull out a couple of buttons and a shoe lace.

"They don't sell bento here," Squall observes, eyeing up the packaged sandwiches like they might jump off of the shelves and bite him.

Almost there…my fingers are brushing the edge of the bottle.

Cloud is standing in the confectionary aisle looking a bit like a sour cherry bomb. He is giving the poor store man the best death glare he can manage which is pretty harsh.

"We can make a stew," Tidus advises, scooting forward to pick up some vegetables and some beef. He carries it over to the counter and beams at the man.

The man carefully moves his hand up from the counter (where I'm sure he was about to push the security button) and rings up the sale. I guess that means that he can see them too. Maybe there's been come sort of chemical disaster close by causing everyone in the neighbouring area to experience the same hallucinations. Must check the news when I get in.

"£11.30 please," he says, holding his hands out.

Tidus digs through his pockets again pulling out a yoyo, a Blitzball magazine and a packet of gum.

No money.

The bottle of mojito is wobbling on the shelf.

Tidus grins apologetically at the other guys who roll their eyes and step forward, pushing gil into his outstretched hand. He turns to the store owner, cheerful smile in place.

The store owner, bless him, stares at them.

"I don't take foreign money," he tells them.

"But…this is legitimate," Squall says, holding a coin up for the man to get a better look.

He shakes his head and pushes Squall's hand away.

"English pounds or nothing I'm afraid."

One foot on the bottom shelf. I pull myself up and grab the bottle.

There's a crisp click and a deathly silence. I'm almost afraid to stick my head around the aisle to find out what's happening but curiosity, and the knowledge that I'll soon be drunk enough to forget any trauma, compels me. I peer.

Cloud has paused with his hand half way to that deadly pack and is staring at Squall who has his Gunblade drawn, the tip is pointing at the store guy's neck.

"Take the money and we'll take our purchase," Squall advises.

The blood is roaring through my ears as I step forward.

"Alright you lunatics, step outside and I'll finish up here," is that my voice speaking? I sound so calm.

Tidus' eyes are bugging out of his head. Squall looks like he's ready to dismember me.

"Go on," I stay, stepping up to shoo them away, shuddering as my hand slaps Squall's ass which is all too real…and delicious…

There is a brutal moment where the Final Fantasy characters have to be herded outside and I'm not sure I'm going to pull it off but once the automatic doors have shut behind them, I turn to the store manager who looks like he's about to blow his top or faint, possibly both.

"Uh, sorry about that," I say, "there's a convention in town and they get a bit into it."

The store man blusters as I shove things into bags as quick as I can and drop the correct money on the counter.

He's still trying to construct a coherent sentence as I exit stage left.

* * *

Key in lock. Tumblers activated. Door opens to reveal the charred remains of my kitchen at the end of the hall.

Drop bag on the ashen surface of my kitchen table and remove mojito from said bag. Proceed to living room where drinking can commence.

* * *

"Uh…so what happens now?"

Tidus is sitting on my favourite arm chair and I'm watching him with sly eyes as I sip at my third mojito. I'm starting to feel quite pleasant which will ultimately lead to me making blunt sexual comments soon enough.

In answer to his present question though, I shrug.

"I think you guys are just a hallucination because I have been under pressure at work or there has been some sort of chemical explosion nearby," I explain to him, all professionalism in place, minus the slurring. "I assume that the correct course of action would be to make an appointment with a psychologist, maybe a doctor."

"And this 'psychologist' he can help us can he? Do you think he has some sort of teleportation magic?"

Sip mojito.

* * *

I can smell something burning.

It is not the acrid smell of my kitchen surfaces as they slowly disintegrate under another of Cloud's onslaughts. No, this is the smell of burning food, a smell I am quite familiar with.

I stand on tottering legs and note with some perverse satisfaction that Tidus is giving me a highly disapproving look as I stagger down the hallway to the kitchen.

Squall and Cloud are crouched down on the floor. Squall has his back to me but I can see a suspicious orange glow and dark smog floating up towards my poor deceased smoke alarm.

In my mostly drunken state, it takes me a while to process that they are not using the stove (which is probably sensible considering the state of it) and are in fact just cooking on my kitchen floor.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I yell at them, leaping forward to start stamping on the little camping stove they've obviously dug out from the back of my cupboard.

"We're using that," Squall protests, gripping my wrist and hauling me back before I can do anymore damage.

"Why are you using that INSIDE?" I shriek, squirming under Squall's iron clutches.

"Relax," Tidus says to me, moving forward. "There's a hole in the ceiling like a chimney!"

He points at it like it's going to help.

It is a very large hole.

"That doesn't change the fact that you're cooking indoors. What, did you leave your common sense in Final Fantasy land?" I challenge them. I can feel my eyes bugging out of my head.

"It's cold outside," Cloud informs me.

I stare at him.

He stares back.

He's actually serious isn't he.

Look around at them all gathered in my kitchen. The eyebrow raises are back in place, like I'm the mad one…oh wait…

"What the hell are we eating?" I ask them, giving in to the allure of the insane and plonking down in front of the little camping stove.

Squall grunts an acknowledgement of my defeat and ladles me out some stew.

And thus as the last of the sunlight dims through my new and airy sky light, I finish my Sunday huddled around a camp fire in my kitchen with my hallucinations. I can only find myself hoping for the worst; that the rest of this dishevelled mess will burn to the ground taking me, and hopefully them, with it.

* * *

_And remember kids, do not try anything you read in this monstrous atrocity at home. Instead, why not click on the review button at the bottom of the page and make FB's day? _


	3. Chapter 3

_Breaking news: This chapter has been called in for questioning under the suspicion that it contains 'too much information'._

* * *

**Just Another Manic Monday**

"All I'm saying is…all I'm saying is…"

I pause, feeling the thought ooze through my drug addled brain like sludge. I frown, concentrating on it, trying to pull it back.

"Ah," I say as it slams back into the forefront of the haze.

"All I'm saying…is that those pants must squash you up a little bit," I say to Squall who is glaring at me with such force that I'm surprised some part of me hasn't spontaneously combusted already.

"She has a point," Tidus says, turning the heat of Squall's glare away from me to himself.

I can't help snorting now as a new thought crawls into my mind.

"Hey…hey Tidus…boxers or briefs?" I ask, looking pointedly at his crotch.

Tidus goes a bit of a funny colour and mumbles something I don't quite catch….so I make it up.

"Oh…I see, you prefer going commando," I nod soberly then nearly fall off of my chair laughing when he goes a peculiar shade of beetroot purple.

"I think you've had quite enough of that," Cloud informs me, moving forward to steal my mojito. I grip it in claw-like talons and pout my heartiest pout at him.

"Who are you? You're not my mother," I slur at him, truly thankful that he is not my mother.

His crotch is in view and I peer at it like I might be able to see through to the inner underwear inside.

"I bet you're a briefs kinda guy," I say to him, giving him the lazy eye.

Surprisingly, he does not go a funny colour but instead manages to grab the mojito with expert martial art skill and disappear into the hallway, probably to drink it all himself.

With the sudden lack of a mojito in my hand, I feel somewhat disheartened and get up, stretching and falling into the stand alone lamp that sits by my TV.

"Well I guess I should turn in, I'll leave you guys to fight over who gets the couch," I tell Squall and Tidus, scratching my butt and heading for the doorway.

"Hey wait, don't we get a blanket or anything?" Tidus asks. I stare at him, a few stray giggles escaping as my thoughts circle the mystery of his preferred clothing method.

Tidus sighs.

"I'll take that as a no then," he says dejectedly.

I point at him, the most ruthless point I can manage.

"You're damn right you'll take that as a no," I confirm, climbing awkwardly up the first stair in the hallway.

"You don't get nothing after what you dickheads did to my kitchen!"

I turn my pointing finger towards what I think is the kitchen but what I actually end up pointing at is the wall in completely the wrong direction. Ah well…technicalities, technicalities…

"So…that means we do get blankets," Tidus tells me, tilting his head to one side puppy dog fashion.

Hey buddy, I have brothers, that won't work here.

"Didn't you just hear what I said?" I ask, somewhat impatient. My stomach is starting to churn and its making me grumpy.

"Sure, you said 'we don't get nothing', so we get something!"

I put my hand up and open my mouth like its going to help but its no use. If I fall into this double negative trap that Tidus has so cleverly set up then we'll probably be hear for hours and I'd like to at least pretend that I'm going to get up for work in the morning.

"So you get something," I say, reaching into my pocket to pull out a penny I found in the street a couple of days ago. I press it neatly into his hand.

"There, problem solved," I announce triumphantly before turning on my heel and crashing up the stairs.

Just as I'm about to veer into the safety of my bedroom (which I just remembered has a fire safety lock), I can hear Cloud's voice echoing out from the remnants of my kitchen.

"Hey, this stuff's not bad…"

* * *

Every morning during the week, my alarm dies a small and dramatic death. Today, it should win an Oscar for the emphatically pathetic sound it makes as it expires against the edge of my desk.

I groan.

My stomach is churning but thankfully, my head is not spinning.

I am in fine shape for work today.

* * *

Trudge to bathroom, see bathroom door is closed at end of hallway. Damn house mate.

* * *

I wait outside for a while before something dawns on me, something…something horrible. I try to push it away but it's a niggling feeling and it seems to be burrowing in, like a tick…or the plague.

As I'm pondering, someone starts ascending the stairs, someone shirtless…someone pale and stoic and built like some sort of lithe athlete.

Squall gives me the first death glare of the day as he lines up outside the bathroom door behind me.

"Uuuuh…." I manage as that niggling feeling explodes into full blown horrible realisation.

I totally forgot about these guys, how could I forget about them? Does this mean that my kitchen is still just a charred ruin? Does this mean I really will be banned from setting foot in my favourite corner store again?

Wait a minute…who's in the bathroom?

* * *

Knock once, briefly, on the door.

"Hello?"

There is a pause and a splash. Tentatively, I press my ear up against the wood of the door.

"Yes, hello, sorry, I'll be done in a while," Tidus' voice sounds through the thick material.

In a while?

What I want to tell him is that I need to be able to get into the bathroom soon so I can go to work. What comes out of my mouth however is a deep and meaningful groan, a fine example of the language of the morning.

"Tidus, get out of there," Squall commands, showcasing those latent leadership skills by banging on the door next to my head.

Suddenly, I'm all too aware of just how close Squall's chest is to the back of my head. I can feel the heat radiating from his body all the way along the length of that masculine arm. It's at times like these that I really appreciate being a hallucinating woman.

"But I need to mrfuhnurffleurf," Tidus explains through the door. The distress in his voice is clear, even if the words aren't.

"What's that?" I ask for through the door, straining my ears to catch it this time.

"I need to mrfuhnurfylurfleurfle."

There is a distinct pause from the both of us as Squall turns to look at me and I shrug back.

"What?" Squall asks.

Another pause and then the door lock clicks and Tidus ventures out.

We both gawp at him.

Then we stare at him.

Then I crack up laughing.

Tidus merits this with a very hard pressed death glare which only serves to make the overall visage standing before us all the funnier.

Squall doesn't seem to have taken his emotion pills for the day and is left motionless before the blonde Blitz player.

Tidus' hair has literally morphed into an afro overnight.

A blonde afro.

He folds his arms in front of him and pouts as I devolve into gasping and snorting on the floor by Squall's feet.

"Like I said," he mumbles feebly, "I need to fix my hair…"

Squall lets off one tiny guffaw and somewhere, I'm sure, an angel gets its wings.

Tidus turns on his heel, causing the super 'fro to bounce and me to clutch at my side as a stitch starts to form.

The door to the bathroom slams shut behind him.

* * *

By 8:35am, I realise that there really is no plausible way that I will get to work on time. Tidus has been in the bathroom for an hour now and refuses to emerge until his hair is once again safely within this planet's gravitational boundaries.

I should be fuming mad but to be honest I was considering phoning in anyway so I could use the day to book an appointment at the doctors. Y'know, be pro-active about these hallucinations.

Phone work.

"Hi Dave? Yeah…that's right…look, I won't be coming in today, I'm not very-…no, I'm not hung-over."

Only a little white lie, I may be hung-over but that's never stopped me from going to work before.

"…no…I'm not skiving…n- Look, I've been having crazy hallucinations since yesterday and I intend to take my sorry ass to the doctor's to get it checked because I'm freaking out here!...no, this isn't drug related…yes I'm sure…YES! (sigh) Goodbye Dave, goodbye."

Click.

* * *

_A note to concerned mothers: Skiving, drinking and laughing at your friends when they are suffering a potent hair related trauma are not acceptable behaviours and are liable to gain you a kick in the teeth._

_However, reviewing this wonderfully horrible story is not only good for the author but also the environment (nods sagely)_


	4. Chapter 4

_Let it be known that this chapter never let its fictional charges go hungry._

* * *

**Food, Glorious Food**

Phone the doctors. Secretary informs me that there are no appointments left this week. The surgery has only been open for half an hour…

Am about to explain the full and horrifying nature of my situation when she comes up with a cancellation, this afternoon at 1:30.

Clearly the fates understand the needs of crazy people.

* * *

Squall is sitting outside the bathroom. At a passing glance, it might look like he's trying to meditate but I can see his hands pressed into the carpet beside him and sweat beaded on his brow.

He needs to use the little boy's room badly.

"Just so you know, when he does come out, you can go first," I tell him, flashing him a pitying smile.

He tries to give me the glare that I am already beginning to know and love but in his current state, the expression is all wrong. One eye has started twitching.

Spin round and meander downstairs before he can find the will to stand up and whack me. Halfway down, a wonderful smell meets my nostrils and I breathe in deep.

Bacon. Cooking bacon.

I don't own bacon.

* * *

Tentatively enter decrepit kitchen, afraid that somehow this phantom bacon is another sign of progressing insanity but Cloud is standing over the stove (useable today apparently, why not yesterday I'll never know), apron tied around his mercenary gear.

He has a serene look on his face.

Dear god, where did he get that bacon?

* * *

A couple of doors down from us, we have a neighbour that loves cats. She is your typical cat lady, lonely, widowed, huge house to herself, lavender coloured hair where she tried to have it dyed to look younger…

All in all, I think the number of cats she owns totals somewhere in the twenties and they can often be found scampering through my back garden in pursuit of butterflies or to crap on my tulips.

This may seem like a pointless factual interlude but with our current breakfast options I'm beginning to think that Cloud holds the same philosophy about the food chain as the less successful fast food places in our neighbourhood.

* * *

"Where did you get that bacon?"

"It was in the fridge."

"You're lying aren't you? There was nothing in there…I know this, I check it every day in hopes that someone did the shopping for me."

"It must be your lucky day then."

Stare at Cloud with huge bug eyes but it's hard to take someone seriously when they're looking at you with a hard ass expression and a 'kiss the cook' apron on. I march over to the fridge and open the door.

Scream at contents.

* * *

"Now what did you do?"

"Nothing, I simply pointed out that her fridge is full."

"Full of…what?"

"Food, regular food. You don't have to sound so suspicious."

"You blew up the kitchen yesterday! Of course I am going to be suspicious!"

"She was going to hit me with a bat."

"Whatever."

Squall steps towards me and taps me hesitantly on the shoulder. I'm still stuck, my eyes and mouth agape, in front of the open fridge.

I have honestly never seen so much food in my life and its not just jars upon jars of pickled eggs or pro-biotic yoghurts that I never end up eating, actual food…like you see in the movies.

There's butter and cheese, fruit and veg, a whole chicken defrosting nicely on the bottom shelf…there are even condiments.

"W-what is this trickery?" I spit out, pointing my accusing finger at the terrible, wonderful sight before me. As soon as he sees that I'm okay, Squall goes back to his solitary occupation of waiting for Tidus to get out of the bathroom.

"It's called 'online delivery'," Cloud tells me, breaking sarcastic ground all across the land.

"How the hell did you pay for all this?"

Cloud goes back to the bacon which is starting to burn and flips it, concentration 100% focused on the task at hand.

I can feel my blood pressure rising.

"How. Did. You. Pay. For all this?"

Cloud mutters something, pressing down on the sizzling bacon so I don't hear. He tips it out on a plate with some French toast, presenting it to me.

Oh no, you can't distract me, my heart rate has already quadrupled, I can't even smell that bacon anymore.

"What did you-

There's an explosion upstairs.

* * *

My first instinct, after years of watching fire safety videos in Junior School, is to stop, drop and roll.

Unfortunately, this would neither be useful nor rational in this situation.

My second instinct, after progressing to higher education and experiencing many impromptu fire alarms at the crack of 4am, is to flee. Screw the valuables; screw the living, breathing hallucinations, just run for your life.

This is a much more sensible reaction but still not the one I'm going to go with.

My final instinct is to storm right up those stairs and pummel whoever's fault this is to within an inch of his life.

This is just what I do.

* * *

I have built up a fine head of steam as I advance through the smog drifting down from the upstairs hallway, fists clenched mercilessly at my side.

I can see a silhouette through the smoke at the end of the hall, a huge muscular figure…

That isn't Squall is it?

The muscular figure appears to be on fire.

* * *

"OH MY GOD!"

Tackle smoke shrouded figure to the ground and start beating at him with my dressing gown to try and put him out. There's a lot of howling and protesting but eventually, most of the fire goes out and I am left sitting bleary eyed on top of…

On top of…

* * *

"Get off of me mortal."

Whimper.

* * *

Strong hands slip underneath my arms and drag me back so the creature in front of me can move. It's a huge orange beast with a fiery mane and beady black eyes. There's a strong lion-like inspiration to its features. Its chest is bare and still smoking in places, there are gold shackles around it's wrists.

It has very sharp looking teeth.

"Are you okay?" Tidus' form temporarily blocks out the petrifying visual before me, the blue of his eyes cutting through the black smoke.

"Hmnuh," I manage by the way of a response.

Behind Tidus, Ifrit, the fire demon, picks up the blackened remains of the bathroom door and shoves it back into the door frame.

"Wh-

"Squall got a bit impatient," Tidus tells me sheepishly.

I can hear the creak of the bathroom floorboards as someone moves around inside.

When he gets out of there I am going to do something so unspeakable to him that he will wish he never has to relieve himself again.

Ifrit's fiery mane is burning my ceiling as he holds the bathroom door for his master.

* * *

"They're completely unstoppable, wild, I'm not going to have anything left to show the landlord by the time they're finished with it! It's not like I can afford hefty repair fees on top everything else I have to pay out at the moment!"

The cat sitting on my budding daffodils blinks a sultry blink.

There is an uncomfortable pause.

"You know, you really shouldn't be hanging around here, I'm not entirely sure about the 'magic food' in my fridge. I mean when would the guy have delivered? I heard nothing."

The cat doesn't share my paranoia. It must be quite difficult to empathise when you're used to having food magically appear in front of you two or three times a day.

Instead, it arches its back, stretching and pads towards me, purring when I reach out to stroke it.

"I'm glad someone listens to me," I mumble as the cat lays down beside me to rub its head against my leg, in apparent bliss.

I raise an eyebrow at the cat and then purposefully raise the other one. I refuse to acknowledge the occupational hazard of absorbing gestures that comes with sharing close living quarters with hallucinations and I refuse to be taken in by their Final Fantasy charm.

Let out huge, long suffering sigh.

"Do you charge by the hour?"

* * *

_And so like most things, this chapter has come to an end. The destruction caused, the food unconsumed and the reviews left will remain in our hearts forever. _


	5. Chapter 5

_Singing is good for the soul just like soles are good for your shoes…_

* * *

**I Like Driving in My Car**

Matters regarding property vandalism aside, I have an appointment to keep. Later, there will be vengeance upon Squall for all he hath done to me but for now, there will be driving and swearing and maybe bad singing to the hundred year old Queen CD that I can't coax out of my CD player.

"Final Fantasy characters, assemble!" I command.

Cloud, having been trained as a Soldier in Midgar, stands to attention briefly before relaxing his shoulders and cursing himself. Once a military man, always a military man I guess.

Squall jogs downstairs freshly pressed for the day and stands beside Cloud. His military training at Garden also makes him stand to attention. He's got a glazed look in his eye though so I'm not really sure he's up for listening.

Tidus, ever the one to be different, sticks his head out from the kitchen and gives a thumbs up. I roll my eyes.

"Okay, listen up, we're going on a trip to the doctors but you are TO LEAVE YOUR WEAPONS BEHIND! Are we clear?"

Cloud and Squall both look like I just told them they have to be castrated to continue living.

"I can't leave my sword or my Materia," Cloud tells me with the air of someone explaining something to a delusional two year old.

"This stuff is rare," he tells me, hugging the bag of death as close as he can to his chest.

Hm. Someone wasn't taught to play nice and share with others at school.

Squall simply folds his arms and huffs at me but I'm in no mood to deal with him and his hard ass attitude today, not after the carnage he caused this morning.

"You will leave your weapons and come with me or I'll throw you out."

For the first time since he got here, Cloud looks highly amused.

"So what? Throw us out! We have tents, we don't necessarily have to stay here."

I smirk at him and stroll forward in proper General mode.

"Oh believe me, I would like nothing more than to throw you destructive leeches out on your asses but it just so happens that I need you as much as you need me."

"And how in the world would we need you?" Squall asks, a rhetorical question but I just tut and shake my head.

"You think you can survive out there? It's a whole different world to the world you are familiar with. You saw yourself what happened at the corner store, your money is no good, your weapons may be no good…and there are horrible things that happen after dark…"

I punctuate the scare mongering with wiggly fingers. Sure this may be blackmail but when one has seen the total annihilation of various parts of one's home in under two days, one gets a little desperate.

Squall and Cloud combine their glaring efforts and direct the full force of the finished product onto me. I'm not wavering though; at least part of what I'm saying is the truth. They go out and destroy public property, they'll be spending some quality time together in jail and pretty boys like them are in high demand.

Tidus seems to be reading my mind, dropping his Brotherhood sword on the carpet in the hallway, his hands up defensively.

"Whatever you want," he says with a shudder.

* * *

"Mamaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, I just killed a maaaaaaaaaaan, put a gun against his heeeeeeead, pulled my trigger now he's deeeeeeeeeead!"

"Will you please make her stop?"

"How? It's not like I have any power over her."

"Let me out, I'll take my chances with the horrible things in the dark."

The dulcet tones of Freddie Mercury cut them off from complaining any further as I flick the volume up and beam with satisfaction as they all hunch up in their respective seats, covering their ears.

"I see a little silhouette of a man, Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?"

The light changes from red the green and the cars roll forward. I wonder briefly if any of the other cars on the road can hear my spectacular warbling performance as we drive on by. Judging by the amount of flip offs I get, I'm guessing they most certainly can.

Once the song has ended, I turn the volume back down. My voice needs a rest before the torment can begin anew.

When he's sure I've finished singing, Tidus removes his hands from his ears and immediately squashes his face up against the glass, eager to take in every detail of this new and interesting world. Cloud and Squall are taking to it a lot less readily, sitting grumpily in their seats. Tidus obviously has an advantage being an experienced inter-dimensional traveller.

"This world is really weird," Tidus is saying. "It's so flat…and where are all the machines?"

I give him a side long glance as we turn a corner and nearly drive straight into an old lady crossing the road.

"Hey Tidus…what's the last thing you remember before being in my bedroom?"

Tidus' eyes are wide, like he wasn't expecting that question to crop up any time soon.

He thinks about it, looking up and then down at his shoes, then back out of the window.

"We were going to ride the Shoopuffs," he tells me, beaming when he realises that he remembered the name of the blue elephant fish without encouragement.

My eye is twitching. Keeping my eyes on the road (like a sensible driver), I lean over to the passenger seat and poke him squarely in the ribs.

"Ow, hey, what was that for?"

The twitching eye is starting to get on my nerves.

"Well…you're real…sort of…I think…so…that means that…Shoopuffs are real…"

Tidus' patented eyebrow raise.

"Yeeeeeees?"

Devolve into serious giggle fit and almost drive into someone's rhododendron bush.

* * *

Very occasionally, I can park my car so precisely that it looks like it might have been done by a professional…or a bloke. Most of the time, I pretend that I can park my car and hope no one notices that I am taking up two entire parking bays with my tiny Ford Fiesta.

Today is not a good day for my car.

Lurch into generally parked position and open door, smashing mirror on someone's people carrier in the process.

Swear loudly.

Then open door for Squall and Cloud to climb out of the back.

"Why are we here again?" Squall asks, seriously sulking now.

I shrug in response. Sulking people always seem to make me mellower.

"If you're going to the doctors to get medicine for hallucinations, you might as well bring your hallucinations with you," I tell him. "Then you'll know for sure if they're real or not."

"I am real, you told me so," Tidus says cheerfully, shutting his car door so I can lock it.

Yeah, lets not get into the whole existentialism debate there bud, just because you felt real and I happened to say it because I was thinking about real elephant fish doesn't mean it's true…I think…

"Okay chums," I say as we amble towards the surgery. "There are probably going to be sick people in there so I want you to play nice…if you are real…no loud noises and the like…clear?"

Tidus nods, Squall scowls and Cloud looks completely unbothered.

We're all set then.

* * *

The secretary at the desk looks like she was probably having a good day before I sauntered in with my motley stragglers. Warily, she watches as Tidus stops in front of the ladies' room, his head tilted to one side.

So, they don't have gender separate toilets in Spira?

"Appointment. 1:30," I grunt at the secretary, putting on my most sociable glare.

The secretary, keeping her eye on Tidus as far as she can without causing injury, checks her computer.

Tip tap tip tap.

"Name?"

Squall hasn't bothered to wait for me and has mooched right into the waiting room. I can hear whispers from the other room and dread is swirling in my stomach as I give the secretary my details.

All booked in, drag Cloud who is watching the cactus on the secretary's desk like it might try to jump up and kill him into the waiting room.

An awful sight meets mine eyes.

Squall is sitting as far in the back as he can with an upside down gardening magazine in his hands, held up over his face. If anger marks actually existed in the real world and not just in anime, then there would probably be one hovering dangerously above his head. As it is, it's only the grip on his magazine and the slight tap of the feet that let us know just how pissed he is.

Around him there is a gaggle of…

A herd of…

A collection (?) of mid-thirties to early-fifties women. They are all blushing and whispering and 'if I was ten years younger'ing.

Turn abruptly on heel and go to wait by the secretary's desk. She gawps at me in the 'can I help you?' kind of way.

Smile. No thanks, I'm just waiting here so I don't have to deal with the horrible goings on over there.

Next to me, Cloud is sort of vibrating. I chance a side glance at him. If he needs to go to the bathroom and I have to tell him which is the little boy's room and which is the little girl's room, I will declare myself insane and cart myself off to the loony bin, no need for painful medical interludes.

"What is it?" I hiss at him.

"That cactuar is probably going to attack you. You should probably be ready," Cloud tells me menacingly.

Good lord.

* * *

_A small disclaimer: I do not own Bohemian Rhapsody or Queen but, in remembrance of their awesomeness, we should ALL do the Fandango…and we should ALL review this madness…for the good of the land!_


	6. Chapter 6

_Mental patients love company…or drug prescriptions. _

* * *

**Calling Doctor Jones**

Sit. As far away from Squall and the gaggle of…

The herd of…

The flurry of women that surround him. Some of them are running their hands through their hair and trying to start stuttering conversations.

A horrible thought creeps over me, like a large spider…or alcohol withdrawal.

Squall belonged to Garden, where they taught all manner of martial arts along with melee and long range weapon combat. Although Mr Grump picked the Gunblade as his weapon of choice, who knows how many years he spent in hand to hand training, he's hardly harmless.

Put down magazine I'm pretending to read and step forward into insanity, intent on averting what can only be disaster.

"Hey, you should probably go to the bathroom before we go and see the doctor, you wouldn't want to have an 'accident' while we're in there," I tell Squall cryptically, approaching him and his admirers with steadfast determination.

He gives me the lazy eye over the top of his gardening magazine. It's the eye that promises another visit from Ifrit should this plan of mine backfire. Try to hide the gulp and keep forced friendly smile in place while looking meaningful enough that Squall will understand my encoded hint and vamoose.

Thankfully, Squall nods once and stands, moving out towards the reception area without a word. The women lean forward as one to watch him go, like some hormonally driven super entity. One of them, the one with the blondest, curliest hair, looks at me expectantly. They want an explanation as to why I just removed their eye candy.

I wrack my brains for highly contagious bowel related diseases that Squall could have contracted and cast my eyes around the room, lingering on various posters depicting horrific scenes of illness and contagion.

"Swine flu," I mutter to them secretively, deciding to go with an old favourite and having the satisfaction of seeing them draw back, suddenly pale.

"At least, that's what we're here to find out," I add, trying to remember if swine flu patients were allowed to go to the doctors or if they were admitted straight to hospital when the epidemic first broke out. I leave them with an apologetic smile and stalk back to my seat of shame, hoping that Squall will have the sense to stay in the bathroom for a while.

Now that Squall's predicament is under control, I start to look around for the other trouble magne-

"AAAAAAAAAAH!"

Scream from bathroom. Am up and hurtling around the corner before rationality has a chance to tell me to stay put and ignore it if it's not my business. I'm just in time to see Tidus backing out of the women's bathroom, his hands held protectively up as an ancient woman beats him with a sickeningly shiny hand bag.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't realise!" Tidus is trying to tell her, desperately shielding himself from the onslaught. The old woman seems surprisingly spry for someone that looks like she's in her mid 90's. She's screeching at him as her hand bag flies with professional precision towards his perfect nose.

I stretch out a hand and open my mouth, ready to defend him with a well placed mental patient story when there's a sound behind me akin to a crash.

Do I dare turn around?

* * *

Every now and then, I believe that people experience moments that seem to be enhanced by special effects. Everything seems to move in slow motion as I pivot on one foot to catch a glimpse of Cloud grabbing the secretary's cactus and ramming a ball point pen through its fleshy surface.

Right on cue, the secretary starts screaming and her shrieks mingle with the old woman's and-

There's an announcement. I can just hear my name through the din and am roused to action. I grab on to Tidus' ear and the back of Cloud's pants, marching my way through the waiting room with a crowd of onlookers glued to my every step. At the last minute, Squall appears from the men's and saunters over to stand with us as I fumble with the door to the corridor that leads to the doctor's room.

I have a right mind to turn around and bow adding a 'thank you, we're here all week,' but something about this situation has driven a stake through the heart of my humour gland.

The door swings open and I drag the Final Fantasy nut jobs through to the doctor's office.

* * *

If it does turn out that I'm sick and these very realistic Final Fantasy characters are all a by product of a deranged imagination, it will be interesting to see what I've been up to when I return to reality.

I knock once, briefly on the doctor's door and then push it to.

"Hello?"

"Hello, come on in and take a seat."

* * *

Doctor is young and sexy Ewan McGregor look-a-like. This is not good at all. Everything I've been preparing to say since I made the appointment this morning has been completely erased by his friendly Scottish eyes.

Sit down in designated chair. Tidus sits beside me looking suitably concerned. Squall and Cloud engage in a brief scuffle over who gets the broody patch of wall in the shadows. Cloud wins and Squall has to settle for looking sulky in the sunlight by the little sink.

"Quite a support group you've got here," Doctor Gorgeous comments good-naturedly, pulling out a file.

"Yarg," I manage, half swallowing my answer as I try to speak and gulp at the same time. If Tidus wasn't so concerned for my well-being, he might have snickered.

"And what can I do for you?" Doctor Handsome asks, looking me right in the eyes.

"Uh…" I manage, trying to remember why I'm here again. "Oh…right…these people," I gesture to them one by one, Tidus, Squall, Cloud…

"You can see them?"

Doctor's eyebrows flicker in confusion but he nods, wondering where I'm going with this.

"Well…I don't think they're real," I tell him, awaiting his professional opinion eagerly.

There is a monumentally long pause as he digests this. I keep my eyes on his, afraid I'll miss something if I look away. Beside me, Tidus tugs on my sleeve.

"Hey, I thought you said I was real!"

Resist urge to elbow him in the stomach.

Eventually Doctor Sexy blinks and leans forward taking the deep breath of: 'oh god, why me? Why this crazy?'

"Perhaps you've decided to come to the wrong person today, maybe you should consider seeing a psycholo-

"No, I need medicine to make these hallucinations go away," I assure him. I have thought of this, I have been sensible about this. I am determined that I am terribly ill and require drugs…lots of drugs.

"Surely if I can see them and hear them as well, then they aren't hallucinations," he tells me with the air of someone who's being very reasonable.

I sigh and rub my fingers over my temples which are threatening me with an honest to god migraine.

"I may not be entirely coherent, you may not even be saying this. I may be in a street somewhere talking to a building for all I know. I just hope I made it to the doctors…you see my problem?"

Doctor Scrumptious just stares at me.

"They've been here since yesterday," I add helpfully.

Another long pause, this is dragging on and I'm beginning to feel mojito cravings stirring in the pit of my soul.

"I'm just going to go ahead and refer you to Dr Madden, our psychologist," Dr Irresistible informs me, scratching his recommendation out on my form.

I groan and turn to Squall of all people as my last defender.

"Can't you summon somebody?" I ask him.

Sulky eyes meet mine.

"What's in it for me?" He asks. Once a mercenary, always a mercenary I guess.

For some reason, this simple question causes me to snap. I take leave of my seat, ignoring protests from a concerned Tidus and a frankly scared Doctor Delicious and storm up to Squall. Annoyingly, I have to stand on tiptoe to get a level with his eyes.

"I just saved you from a crowd of hormonal women out there that looked like they were going to eat you for lunch," I hiss at him. "The least you can do is humour me and summon someone so the good doctor understands what I'm talking about!"

There is a heart stopping moment in which Squall perfects the meaning of the phrase death glare but, to my surprise and triumph, he does in fact go ahead and summon Shiva, the ice goddess.

A blizzard erupts in the doctor's office and I am forced to take refuge behind Tidus as snowy winds blow a gale and scatter papers everywhere. The doctor gives a frightened yelp and dives under his desk as the beautiful GF appears in a flurry of crystalline ice particles.

When the show is over, Shiva stands to one side in all her goddess-like glory peering under the desk at the gibbering doctor.

"Oh dear," she says to Squall who's looking more serious than normal, probably because he's trying his hardest to hold in the guffaw that wants to escape.

"I think I scared him."

* * *

"All in all, I prescribe bed rest and lots of fluids," I tell Doctor Shakes-a-lot, writing him out a prescription and passing it under the table where he's still stuttering incoherently, pointing at Shiva like she's a nuclear weapon.

"You can go home now, give me a call when you're ready to give me the drugs I need," I tell him, standing up and grabbing my coat, beckoning for the others to follow me out.

Back in the hallway, I find myself staring at Shiva as she ducks daintily under the door and follows Squall in a bewildered kind of way.

"Uh…how long will it take for you to disperse?" I ask her, trying to be super polite.

Shiva throws a glance Squall-ward.

"It's up to my master how long I stay in the mortal realm for," she tells me.

Raise eyebrow. Stare at Squall who is purposefully examining his nails in a 'well you asked for this' kind of way.

I guess I did.

* * *

We end up taking the inevitable route out of the back door with Shiva stuffed into my coat. If it's possible, this just makes her stand out more but I'm not adding charges of indecent exposure to the never-ending torrent of crimes I seem to be involved in recently.

We make a mad dash for the car where Squall, Cloud and Shiva can bundle safely in the back. As I pull out and start speeding hastily away from our most recent crime scene, Tidus starts to give me puppy dog eyes in the mirror.

"What?" I snap at him.

There is a pause as he gives me his best hurt expression which is pretty good considering how startlingly blue his eyes are.

"Did you really mean it when you said you thought I wasn't real?"

I stop at the chip shop on the way home.

* * *

_Apologies for the late update but I was swallowed whole by the Moby Dick of financial text books and have only recently been spat back out, rested, digested and ready to commit further crimes against Final Fantasy nature._

_Reviews are the harpoon in the side of the financial beast!_


	7. Chapter 7

_Warning: This chapter contains 22% alcohol._

* * *

**Mojitos are Good…and Stuff**

Leave Tidus in the hallway bemoaning his questionable existence and take refuge in the living room with the last of the chips.

Cloud follows me, leaning against the doorway and sporting a glare that would make a slenderman jealous.

"You shouldn't have bought them," he tells me in what I can only assume is a reprimanding tone.

"Why the hell not?" I ask, ignoring Shiva as she saunters passed the doorway, admiring my stylish Artex walls.

"I was planning on cooking a full roast dinner this evening," Cloud informs me.

I pause with a soggy chip half way to my mouth to stare at him. Since when has Cloud been interested in cookery anyway? I mean first the breakfast and now the chicken…

I stand, throwing the mostly empty chip packet on the sofa and start towards the front door again, grabbing my car keys as I go.

"Where are you going?" Squall asks as I squeeze around him in the hall.

"A bar," I state with all the clarity of the hysterically determined.

"Any bar," I say before Tidus can add to Squall's questioning my destination.

I slam the door on the way out and pray to God I still have a house when I return.

* * *

I'm staring into the murky depths of my mojito contemplating the up and coming battle I'm sure to have with myself when tomorrow rolls around and work looms on the slowly lightening horizon. Should I go in considering the stress induced by today's trauma? Or should I hide myself away and try to deal with my hallucinations? It's a choice between two personal hells as far as I'm concerned and I sigh as I think about it.

Another 3 mojitos and the decision will be made for me.

"Another one please," I tell the bar maid as she comes forward to wipe at the condensation lubricating the surface of the bar.

She looks at me and raises an eyebrow.

I make a point of scowling back at her. This isn't exactly professional behaviour and I'm sure she's used to the regular alcoholics that frequent this run down pub. There's always someone willing to get drunk on a weekday night after all and on this particular weekday night, that someone is me.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" she asks, wiping around my glass.

I raise my own eyebrow then purposefully lower it again. I will not mimic imaginary people's habits damnit!

"Honey, after the day I've had, oblivion is a welcoming state of mind and one I am determined to reach," I inform her neatly.

Surprisingly, her eyes widen in sympathy. She leans across the bar, a move I'm sure has gotten her many a good tip.

"Aw, was it really that bad?"

"You have no idea," I tell her, thinking of Doctor Yummy who is probably being carted away to the loony bin as we speak. I suppress a shudder.

"Well…maybe instead of getting roaring drunk by yourself, you should have a go at the karaoke," she tells me, pointing at the stage where some fat bloke is murdering Celine Dion in D Minor.

In response to this heinous suggestion, I open my mouth to demand my mojito but pause as fatty tries to hit the high note and nearly brakes my teeth, not to mention all the glass in the bar.

I turn, squinting at this demonic human being through slit like eyes of anger. I've had it.

I slip off of my bar stool and stagger to the stage.

* * *

The bar maid claps enthusiastically as I climb up and watch the screen for my queued lyrics. I grin self consciously at the crowd – maybe this was a mistake – and pick up the mic, tapping it lightly with my finger.

"Testing," I mutter into its echoic depths, making everybody wince as I press my mouth too close to the knotted black surface.

"Oops," I say, pulling back.

"ps…ps…ps…" the mic responds, resonating around the pub. Somewhere, a group of students start to cheer.

Screw you bitches.

The intro starts to play. 'Highway to Hell' seemed like an appropriate choice considering the way my life has been going lately. I take a deep breath, have a quick skim read of the bright hot pink lyrics on the karaoke screen and-

-watch as Squall, Cloud and Tidus saunter in through the open pub door.

"Oh FUCK!" I exclaim.

"Fuck…fuck…fuck…" the mic responds.

* * *

"What the HELL are you DOING HERE?" I hiss, the edges of my vision burn rage red as pull them over to the bar, trying to ignore the curious gazes of innocent bystanders and the snickering that accompanied my staggeringly original performance on stage.

"You took the car," Tidus begins, looking suitably sheepish.

"We were worried you would be too drunk to drive home but would try anyway."

I am glaring so hard at them that I'm afraid my eyes are going to pop out of my head and roll away.

"How did you find me?" I ask, forming each syllable crisply so there is no doubt I am pissed as hell…and not in the drunken sense.

"We just looked for the first bar that had a special on mojitos."

I am a creature of habit, these three lunatics have just proved why this can be a major drawback.

I make a small strangling motion in the air, picturing my hands closing around Squall's throat as I throttle nothing. Then I have a small stomping tantrum which gets the attention of the fat guy in the corner and some of the students but I really don't care. It's a blinding fury that's racing through me now and it needs to be released.

It takes a while for the full force of the storm to flush through my system but eventually I plonk my butt back on the bar stool and take the mojito that the bar maid tosses me, thankfully without comment.

"Are you gonna sit down or what?" I ask, indicating that they should follow trend and sit like the sheople they should be.

Tidus immediately takes a seat and the bar maid moves in, leaning across the bar to show case her talent.

"What'll it be?"

Tidus looks comically thoughtful for a few minutes and opens his mouth but I get there first.

"Nothing, he can't pay." I tell her, wondering if she'll back off.

"Aw, you guys came all this way just to look out for you? For that, you can have a drink on the house boys."

She beams at them and I fight the urge to face palm. The aim of this little exercise was to make them sit it out while I finish completely decimating my own brain cells. They came to make sure that I'd be alright getting home, they can bloody well take the consequences. It's hardly punishment if they get to drink with me.

It's true what they say, misery hates company.

* * *

"And then, you know what she did? She actually _married _the bastard!"

"Some people are just weak."

"I know, right? I was always telling her that she needed to be strong where he was concerned but she just couldn't be."

I only notice that I've fallen into a half coma when my head falls out of my hand and nearly hits the shiny surface of the bar. To my annoyance, there's a drool puddle on my hand making me look far more drunk than I feel.

"It's getting late," I tell the guys and they all stare at me like I'm some sort of alien. Miss bar maid has been sitting on Squall's lap for the last hour telling him her life story and I'm clearly not a welcome intruder having not had the presence of mind to pay attention in the beginning.

"Squall," I say, standing up. "Won't Rinoa be pissed off when you get home if she found out you've had some bar maid on your lap?"

Squall gives me a blank look and the now familiar ball of dread starts to form in my stomach like an ominous cloud.

"Who's Rinoa?" he asks me evenly.

I fumble uselessly with my next sentence, opening and closing my mouth like a fish in a fish tank.

"Uuuuuh…no-one important…if you can't even remember her," I say, averting my eyes, trying to make it sound like we might have met her the other day together and he just forgot.

His expression is immediately suspicious. Of course, how could I be so blind? Squall never forgets anything.

Suddenly, I can't be arsed with this crap. What the hell is stopping me from revealing who Rinoa is? What kind of responsibility do I have here to withhold information? No-one has come up to me to tell me that explaining things will have detrimental effects, so why not elaborate?

I take a deep breath.

"Hey."

Someone taps Squall on the shoulder. He turns and I catch a brief glimpse of a goggling student, his eyes are shiny with innocent wonder.

Hang on a minute.

"Uh…I just thought you should know that you and your friends are the best cosplayers that I've ever seen!"

If Eve had managed to resist the temptation of the apple in the Garden of Eden, that strength of will would pale in comparison to the iron determination that it takes for me to avoid the inevitable face palm that should follow a statement like that.

* * *

_Should you find yourself seeking help from Alcoholics Anonymous following your state of mind after reading this chapter, I suggest you leave a review._

_A small note on spelling: Stool?...Stall?...Chair like piece of furniture? _


End file.
